break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
