After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
