I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
