My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
