his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
