you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
