WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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