I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
