I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
