It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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