there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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