What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
pop tarts are not kleenex
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
