You can't motorboat a personality
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize