instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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