i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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