Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
