I am midnight drunk by noon
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
