and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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