I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize