I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
