I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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