shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
