Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
