Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
