Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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