and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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