Someone shit on the floor
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Vodka?
Forever.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
