my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
