So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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