Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
