my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
