Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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