worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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