I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
