You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My vagina is officially offended.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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