she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize