I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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