I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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