dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
