just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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