i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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