Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
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