so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
