When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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