i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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