omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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