she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
