Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
