i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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