I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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