hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
