I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
