Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
