bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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