You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
